Acceptance and Persistence

I have not written anything down, let alone studied the Bible personally, for 5 days. I did my Youth Group lesson, but not whole-heartedly because I was unprepared and did not expect that we were doing a lesson until a few hours before. Which reminds me, I should probably do next week's starting tomorrow. (Quick side note, I have been trying to get more sleep, but this is the time of day, or night because it is after 11pm, where I feel like I can focus the most.) Anyway, back to my faith; this entry ties in with the previous Youth Group lesson, but rather I was the one learning. The lesson was on prayer and the power that God gives us through prayer to overcome the Devil's schemes, or wiles as the sermon I mentioned earlier put it. In understanding my own doubt in God, the most recent lesson has allowed me to accept this doubt. That acceptance has helped me to begin to understand God's love; the understanding that he never leaves us even if we are not following safely close to him, as a bear cub to its mother. God has a way of teaching us more about him with the experiences he allows us to go through. With the acceptance of my doubt came my desire to find the example of someone else feeling this way in the Bible. I then went to the internet to discover the story of Elijah told in 1 Kings, specifically chapter 19, and the doubt that Elijah had experienced after becoming such an advocate for the Lord. After many victories (killing prophets of Baal) in the name of the Lord, Elijah received a death threat from Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, causing him to flee for his life and hide away in the woods. Elijah prayed to God that he would die to avoid the further trial of being on the run. God then asks his persistence in this journey and sends him [on a 40 day and 40 night travel (coincidence?)] to the Horeb, the mountain of God, where Elijah meets God in a way he never expected; a whisper. God showed Elijah he was doubting, and also showed him a way out, a way that he would know God is still with him. As with Elijah, God has made it clear to me that I am doubting.
My faith is not where it should be, though the past few weeks has taught me that I need persistence because I know that God is still there for me. He has not left me, though I feel alone in my faith. I feel like he has other things to tend to before he can work on me; almost as if God wants me to work on myself before he can begin His work in my life. These feelings have caused me to feel unsettled at times and to yell at God, blaming him for my loneliness. I have yet to hear that "whisper" that God so often speaks to us with. I can recall a time that I believe I have heard It before, telling me "be patient" (at least I think that was it), and feeling like that might not help. However, I now realize those thoughts that I need to do this myself before I can approach God, are exactly what he wants. Now, I know God sent Jesus so the we can come to Him as sinners, though I believe God is telling me, "I need your attention on Me" in order for him to begin His work in me. I have been angry with God recently, as a child who feels like their parent is treating them unfairly. With this frustration, the Devil has found a grip on me and has been tempting me to give up, and let go of the Cause, but I have come to understand that God has not left me. A mother bear may let their cubs wander, but if they are at risk, she is always near enough to protect them.

More details on how I came to that understanding of God's love is for another time, however the main reason is that I continue to hear God's words to me in the people around me. My pastor, for example, is the one who spoke the words on doubting and how the Devil can make you feel that God is not with you. With acceptance of my doubt has come my call to persistence in the Faith. God has not become distant from me, I have become distant from Him.

Alternate title: Yell and Whisper

[It's been 15 days. I struggle with understanding what God is doing in this, though I am starting to realize that this situation (I believe it to be of God) is not only about me.]

Distracted and Restless

Well, it has been a few days since my last entry and surprisingly, nothing has changed since my last explanation of my emotions. On the other hand, I have been thinking a little more about my own mental state and the reason I am distressed (or in crisis) in my faith. I do think that I am doubting God, however I am also seeing that perhaps I am holding my doubt up with an idol (this will make sense eventually, just maybe not in this entry). I hate to admit it, though I want to make sense of what I am hearing God tell me before I explain my thoughts on that further. Maybe that's it... maybe I am not trusting God enough to actually hear what he is telling me because I have other intentions with the plan that (I think) he is laying out for me. As my leadership roles slowly unfold, I have realized that though I am feeling called to be a leader, I also have a lot of learning and preparation to do before I can call myself a "leader" in either situation. Perhaps I was wrong in the first sentence, I think I have learned a little more about my role in God's calling these past few days...

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I find myself very distracted, about 90 percent of the time. No, it has not been a day, or even an hour in that page break, merely a different thought process. I find that there are too many different factors limiting me from serving God to my fullest ability. I find Satan to be very crafty at finding distractions to pull me away from reading or prayer (this blog may even be one). Though with all the distractions, I find opportunity to show my faithfulness by avoiding them, or responding to them (I might get to this in another entry). For an example of avoidance, I currently have a group of friends inviting me to spend some time with them at a local bar. If I was not wrestling with the internal conflict of being a "good, Christian example", I would go. Yet the wisdom of God tells me not to put myself in a situation in which I would be tempted to sin. For the sake of my calling to leadership (in whatever that may be), and to the disappointment to my friends, I cannot go and risk failing again at being more Christ-like. Though I fail at constantly seeking that Christ-likeness, those failures help me to see how not doing something can benefit my faith. I'd like to be strong enough to go out with my friends and still avoid sin, though I have put myself in that situation thinking I will be fine, only to end the night with regret. What I have learned is that in order to be a better spiritual leader, I first have to be a better spiritual example. I will say that one thing I cannot do is allow my social circle to influence my faith and persistence after God and Jesus. My easy ability to be distracted is something that limits my devotion to reading scripture, worship, and especially prayer. With all my distractions pulling me in different directions, I find I am easily overwhelmed with doubt, and restless in whether or not I am making the right choices. Now, maybe my distractions and my doubt are not directly correlated, but I do realize that the doubt that I discussed earlier can very often make me restless and irrational in my decision making. Now, I could talk about all the ways I try and cope with and react to being unsettled, but this is where I can see the Devil pulling me toward talking about myself. I need to do better at serving God and being an example (especially here) before I can lead others, though it has been hard to show I am a Christian because of my doubt.

Lastly, a sermon I listened to today (I currently do not go to church because I work most Sundays) discussed the importance of putting on the full armor of God to defend yourself against the wiles of the Devil. In order to protect ourselves from falling into temptation, and away from the example of Christ we are called to follow, we must deny our own strengths and trust in what God has provided to protect us. Though I am doubting and restless in recent weeks, I know that God can help me out of this and will bless me for seeking Him in this situation and not my own, or another person's, wisdom.

Driven and Tossed

Yesterday, following my first entry and study of Genesis 1 (I have begun to study the bible from the beginning starting on the 18th), I was faced with a nagging sadness throughout the majority of the day. I questioned God as to why I could not find joy in reading His word and spending time in what I felt to be, rest. After spending most of the day "constant in prayer" (Romans 12:12), I shifted my mind to the things I needed to do (going to the bank and updating my Pastor on the youth group lesson from Sunday), and I felt my drive of productivity come back.

There are times that I feel as though no one will take initiative with particular tasks, leaving me to be the leader, as I discussed in the previous blog. After discussing the events of Sunday with my Pastor, I made the decision to take over a task we were relying on someone else to complete. Upon realizing that person had failed at communicating and completing his task, I did what I felt needed to be done. I was driven to take over because it seemed as though no one else felt the need to find a solution to the problem we were faced with. At this point, you may be wondering what I am talking about though as I implied before, these posts are more about my faith than about the events that change it. Therefore, I need to take this back to my first point of my sadness in my faith.

After getting out of the house and being "responsible", I was invited to go see a movie in theaters with a few friends. Shortly before and during the movie I felt happy, and content, being with my friends and not worrying about my faith or responsibility. Though when the movie ended and I came back to my house, I knew I needed to spend more time with God before I went to bed. So, once again, I began to pray and ask why I was sad in being faithful. (Now at this point, I don't have a large amount of people supporting my faith in my social circle, so there are also times I feel alone in this journey.) As I was praying, I felt driven to find out more by looking up an article online that might tell me that other people experience this too. After reading through an article, I was called to read James 1, focused on having joy in trials. However, what really spoke to me was verse 6 on doubting. Prior to yesterday, I have been discussing my current faith "situation" with a trusted believer who kept telling me about "a wavering faith" and how it can be dangerous to have. After their advice was given, I thought, I'm not doubting God, I'm just second guessing myself, which proved exactly that, I was doubting. Amidst my frustration, I gave the Devil a foothold on me to question if this is really the path God wants me on. I have come to realize that I am being "tossed by the wind" (James 1:6) and not trusting in God that his plan is progress.

Youth and Produce

Today is the beginning of a new week, meaning I can leave the ending of last week in last week. I want to use this to keep track of my faith progress starting this week, even though I have felt a significant pull to be more committed in my faith for a couple weeks now, and I have been a Christian for nearly a decade. That being said, I am finally starting to make sense of what I feel God is calling me to; leadership. I am a man, which I believe is the first reason God wants me to lead... or maybe that's the only reason. But in reading Ephesians, and 1 Corinthians (most of it), I have realized that God calls men to be leaders in the church and in their families. Being only 23, I have yet to have a family of my own. However, I am currently at the doorstep of two opportunities of leadership that I see a need to be filled by someone like me. After traveling last summer by bike across the United States, realizing the whole time I did not agree with the spontaneity of the trip, I came back to a comfortable opening at a grocery store as the produce department manager. A short six months following (January 2018), I was up for another promotion to assistant store manager. My responsibilities increased, as did the trust of upper management in my ability to complete necessary tasks for the company. Currently, as the store manager prepares himself to take over the company from the soon-to-be retired owner, I am in the process of training to be the next store manager. In my Christian walk, I am grateful for the opportunity, though working at the store it has been hard to express my faith. I feel as though there is not much room for God in a place at which the main goal is personal gain. The reason I believe that I am being called here is to show the opposite; that there IS room for God in this business, and the diligence that he has blessed me with, I feel is the gateway for the Holy Spirit. My human nature makes it difficult to remain faithful sometimes when I am faced with an easier choice, though I truly believe that God calls us to the road less traveled. My second, but not yet alternative opportunity, is one that I know God would bless the results of, given I serve him wholly with it. Prior to leaving for the bike trip I mention earlier, I was helping lead the youth group at a local church where I grew up. Upon my return, after settling in to my job and living arrangements with my mom (bless her heart), I have begun once again, helping to lead the youth group at my former church. Though unlike before, we now do not have a youth leader holding that "leadership" position within the church. Currently, the senior Pastor, myself, and two other early-20-something "leaders" are working together to run the youth group. In my opinion, it is working, though nothing can be led without a single, God-called leader. I have prayed nearly every day, if not more than once-a-day about whether or not God wants me there, or somewhere else.

Although there are more factors contributing to my slow progress of moving forward (or away), I only want to talk about my faith and what it becomes. I have come to realize that God calls us to trust him where we are, and he will take us to the next step when he knows we are ready. Although I wrestle with putting my own desires over what God may want from me, I am striving to be content where I am, and to let him lead me to His next step in my life.