Acceptance and Persistence

I have not written anything down, let alone studied the Bible personally, for 5 days. I did my Youth Group lesson, but not whole-heartedly because I was unprepared and did not expect that we were doing a lesson until a few hours before. Which reminds me, I should probably do next week's starting tomorrow. (Quick side note, I have been trying to get more sleep, but this is the time of day, or night because it is after 11pm, where I feel like I can focus the most.) Anyway, back to my faith; this entry ties in with the previous Youth Group lesson, but rather I was the one learning. The lesson was on prayer and the power that God gives us through prayer to overcome the Devil's schemes, or wiles as the sermon I mentioned earlier put it. In understanding my own doubt in God, the most recent lesson has allowed me to accept this doubt. That acceptance has helped me to begin to understand God's love; the understanding that he never leaves us even if we are not following safely close to him, as a bear cub to its mother. God has a way of teaching us more about him with the experiences he allows us to go through. With the acceptance of my doubt came my desire to find the example of someone else feeling this way in the Bible. I then went to the internet to discover the story of Elijah told in 1 Kings, specifically chapter 19, and the doubt that Elijah had experienced after becoming such an advocate for the Lord. After many victories (killing prophets of Baal) in the name of the Lord, Elijah received a death threat from Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, causing him to flee for his life and hide away in the woods. Elijah prayed to God that he would die to avoid the further trial of being on the run. God then asks his persistence in this journey and sends him [on a 40 day and 40 night travel (coincidence?)] to the Horeb, the mountain of God, where Elijah meets God in a way he never expected; a whisper. God showed Elijah he was doubting, and also showed him a way out, a way that he would know God is still with him. As with Elijah, God has made it clear to me that I am doubting.
My faith is not where it should be, though the past few weeks has taught me that I need persistence because I know that God is still there for me. He has not left me, though I feel alone in my faith. I feel like he has other things to tend to before he can work on me; almost as if God wants me to work on myself before he can begin His work in my life. These feelings have caused me to feel unsettled at times and to yell at God, blaming him for my loneliness. I have yet to hear that "whisper" that God so often speaks to us with. I can recall a time that I believe I have heard It before, telling me "be patient" (at least I think that was it), and feeling like that might not help. However, I now realize those thoughts that I need to do this myself before I can approach God, are exactly what he wants. Now, I know God sent Jesus so the we can come to Him as sinners, though I believe God is telling me, "I need your attention on Me" in order for him to begin His work in me. I have been angry with God recently, as a child who feels like their parent is treating them unfairly. With this frustration, the Devil has found a grip on me and has been tempting me to give up, and let go of the Cause, but I have come to understand that God has not left me. A mother bear may let their cubs wander, but if they are at risk, she is always near enough to protect them.

More details on how I came to that understanding of God's love is for another time, however the main reason is that I continue to hear God's words to me in the people around me. My pastor, for example, is the one who spoke the words on doubting and how the Devil can make you feel that God is not with you. With acceptance of my doubt has come my call to persistence in the Faith. God has not become distant from me, I have become distant from Him.

Alternate title: Yell and Whisper

[It's been 15 days. I struggle with understanding what God is doing in this, though I am starting to realize that this situation (I believe it to be of God) is not only about me.]