Driven and Tossed

Yesterday, following my first entry and study of Genesis 1 (I have begun to study the bible from the beginning starting on the 18th), I was faced with a nagging sadness throughout the majority of the day. I questioned God as to why I could not find joy in reading His word and spending time in what I felt to be, rest. After spending most of the day "constant in prayer" (Romans 12:12), I shifted my mind to the things I needed to do (going to the bank and updating my Pastor on the youth group lesson from Sunday), and I felt my drive of productivity come back.

There are times that I feel as though no one will take initiative with particular tasks, leaving me to be the leader, as I discussed in the previous blog. After discussing the events of Sunday with my Pastor, I made the decision to take over a task we were relying on someone else to complete. Upon realizing that person had failed at communicating and completing his task, I did what I felt needed to be done. I was driven to take over because it seemed as though no one else felt the need to find a solution to the problem we were faced with. At this point, you may be wondering what I am talking about though as I implied before, these posts are more about my faith than about the events that change it. Therefore, I need to take this back to my first point of my sadness in my faith.

After getting out of the house and being "responsible", I was invited to go see a movie in theaters with a few friends. Shortly before and during the movie I felt happy, and content, being with my friends and not worrying about my faith or responsibility. Though when the movie ended and I came back to my house, I knew I needed to spend more time with God before I went to bed. So, once again, I began to pray and ask why I was sad in being faithful. (Now at this point, I don't have a large amount of people supporting my faith in my social circle, so there are also times I feel alone in this journey.) As I was praying, I felt driven to find out more by looking up an article online that might tell me that other people experience this too. After reading through an article, I was called to read James 1, focused on having joy in trials. However, what really spoke to me was verse 6 on doubting. Prior to yesterday, I have been discussing my current faith "situation" with a trusted believer who kept telling me about "a wavering faith" and how it can be dangerous to have. After their advice was given, I thought, I'm not doubting God, I'm just second guessing myself, which proved exactly that, I was doubting. Amidst my frustration, I gave the Devil a foothold on me to question if this is really the path God wants me on. I have come to realize that I am being "tossed by the wind" (James 1:6) and not trusting in God that his plan is progress.