Distracted and Restless

Well, it has been a few days since my last entry and surprisingly, nothing has changed since my last explanation of my emotions. On the other hand, I have been thinking a little more about my own mental state and the reason I am distressed (or in crisis) in my faith. I do think that I am doubting God, however I am also seeing that perhaps I am holding my doubt up with an idol (this will make sense eventually, just maybe not in this entry). I hate to admit it, though I want to make sense of what I am hearing God tell me before I explain my thoughts on that further. Maybe that's it... maybe I am not trusting God enough to actually hear what he is telling me because I have other intentions with the plan that (I think) he is laying out for me. As my leadership roles slowly unfold, I have realized that though I am feeling called to be a leader, I also have a lot of learning and preparation to do before I can call myself a "leader" in either situation. Perhaps I was wrong in the first sentence, I think I have learned a little more about my role in God's calling these past few days...

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I find myself very distracted, about 90 percent of the time. No, it has not been a day, or even an hour in that page break, merely a different thought process. I find that there are too many different factors limiting me from serving God to my fullest ability. I find Satan to be very crafty at finding distractions to pull me away from reading or prayer (this blog may even be one). Though with all the distractions, I find opportunity to show my faithfulness by avoiding them, or responding to them (I might get to this in another entry). For an example of avoidance, I currently have a group of friends inviting me to spend some time with them at a local bar. If I was not wrestling with the internal conflict of being a "good, Christian example", I would go. Yet the wisdom of God tells me not to put myself in a situation in which I would be tempted to sin. For the sake of my calling to leadership (in whatever that may be), and to the disappointment to my friends, I cannot go and risk failing again at being more Christ-like. Though I fail at constantly seeking that Christ-likeness, those failures help me to see how not doing something can benefit my faith. I'd like to be strong enough to go out with my friends and still avoid sin, though I have put myself in that situation thinking I will be fine, only to end the night with regret. What I have learned is that in order to be a better spiritual leader, I first have to be a better spiritual example. I will say that one thing I cannot do is allow my social circle to influence my faith and persistence after God and Jesus. My easy ability to be distracted is something that limits my devotion to reading scripture, worship, and especially prayer. With all my distractions pulling me in different directions, I find I am easily overwhelmed with doubt, and restless in whether or not I am making the right choices. Now, maybe my distractions and my doubt are not directly correlated, but I do realize that the doubt that I discussed earlier can very often make me restless and irrational in my decision making. Now, I could talk about all the ways I try and cope with and react to being unsettled, but this is where I can see the Devil pulling me toward talking about myself. I need to do better at serving God and being an example (especially here) before I can lead others, though it has been hard to show I am a Christian because of my doubt.

Lastly, a sermon I listened to today (I currently do not go to church because I work most Sundays) discussed the importance of putting on the full armor of God to defend yourself against the wiles of the Devil. In order to protect ourselves from falling into temptation, and away from the example of Christ we are called to follow, we must deny our own strengths and trust in what God has provided to protect us. Though I am doubting and restless in recent weeks, I know that God can help me out of this and will bless me for seeking Him in this situation and not my own, or another person's, wisdom.