Division and Confidence

I have been leading a youth group in a study on the movie "War Room", and we are now coming to a close on this study. The last lesson will be on Sunday. There is a verse that the last lesson refers to in the book of Hebrews, chapter four, that I felt was really powerful to read. Verse 12 starts "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit..." (ESV), showing the reader that God will separate the good from the bad in you and look at both. If you read the rest of 12, and verse 13, this makes more sense.

I have been learning a lot lately that I am failing at being an example of Christ not only to the people I care about but also to the youth group at my church (I care about them too). This verse convicts me by further proving that God will look at both sides of our life as a Christian. It has been on my heart to move forward in life, but recent months have shown me that I am not ready. I am keeping things general here for a reason. My personal struggles are not what I want to discuss, but rather that God has to be the first focus of your life before he can bring you where he wants you. He is the only one who can discern the true condition of our heart, and change us in the areas we need, so why not look toward him to be changed? We cannot make those changes on our own, otherwise there would be no point to the Holy Spirit. That being said, verse 16 of chapter four tells us to approach the throne with confidence. We must accept that we are wrong, and that God is the only one who can change us, in order to be the example that puts Christ first.

I have come to understand that there is division in me, but I have yet to find the confidence in Christ that God needs for me to fully be his servant. I have done a lot of studying since April, which has brought me to this point but, my "faith journey" as some call it, is only just beginning. God wants us to not be divided, to not be "lukewarm" as the Bible (Rev. 3:16 and the "War Room") discusses, so that we may serve him in all that we do. With division, there can be no confidence in Christ.

Compulsion and Compassion

April is the month in which we celebrate Easter, the holiday representing spring and, in the Christian faith, the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Now, when we accept Jesus into our lives, we are offered a new start in our life. In that life after acceptance into salvation, we are offered a choice; one to continue to follow our old habits, or one to follow the new path of Christ. In the recent months, I have realized that the more I lean toward God, the more I need him to support me. This analogy just came to mind: imagine that you are a ladder and God is a house. The House does not move, but the ladder can. The further you pull a ladder away from the house you are working on, the harder it is to be in the right place to complete the work. Now, we don't need to work on God, but we do need God to do His work.

In order to do God's work, we must lean on Him to learn where he wants us to work. My theme for the majority of this journal has been my search for God's calling in my life, concluding that God wants me to serve Him and lead others by His example. Someone once told me that in order to lead, you have to serve. As a "teacher" of a youth group and a grocery store supervisor, I have the responsibility of serving the kids I teach and the people I supervise, by showing them the example of Christ. Although we are not perfect, a Godly leader is defined by their character. What you teach must align with how you live.

There have been a few times in my life when I am moved by my own feelings and act out of compulsion. I make irrational decisions and do not always follow the example that I expect those whom I lead to follow. Whether at work or at church, I have realized that in order to lead, I must teach by God's example, which is Christ. My compulsion must be turned into compassion. Though compassion may not be the ultimate word to describe how a Christian should live (that might be "love"), it is relevant to recent situations in which I have been faced with decisions for groups, and for individuals, affecting the result of that situation for more than myself.

Acting on compulsion can lead to a choice made out of anger, or vexation, toward someone, or something. Whereas acting on compassion can lead to a choice made out of love, or concern, for that same someone, or something.

This entry was inspired by 2 Corinthians 9:7. The context refers to giving an offering to church, however the message still stands: you cannot effectively serve God under compulsion. May all the glory be to the Father of compassion, whom I choose to serve. 

Wind and Mercy

One of my favorite worship songs is called "How He Loves Us" by David Crowder Band, which explains how deep the love of God is and our inability to fully understand it. In the lyrics, Crowder tells us that he (God) "loves like a hurricane" and that we are merely a tree in the storm of God's love. There are many good references to how Crowder perceives God's love, but I'm here to explain my own experience of God's "wind" and mercy in my life.

If you have ever been outside during a storm, the wind can be overwhelming. It can push against you, making it very difficult to continue in the direction you are heading. Wind can push against you, it can move other objects into your path, creating an obstacle for you (especially if a tree falls in the road you are driving on). Obviously I am using some analogies here, but the point is, God will allow us to experience some difficulty in order to show us that we need him. Yes, we can fight the wind (and God) but no matter how strong we are, the wind (and God!) can always be stronger. After all, we cannot win a fight against a hurricane.

Lately, God has been showing me a lot of mercy. God is showing me that I need to stop fighting His plan for me, and let go of what I want to do. The difficult part is allowing him to take over, especially because I have no idea what he wants to do with my life. I do not know if he wants me to stay at my job, or if he wants me to be more involved with my youth group (meaning I take over as the youth leader). I have not been praying like I should and I am realizing that in order to serve God, I must stop fighting against his wind. I have to turn around, so that the wind can take me where God wants me to go.

* * *

Everything prior to this is my words from over a week ago. I have not posted a blog since the 3rd of June, making this one day less than a month since my last entry. However, I feel like God has been working in my life since then. His wind has led me to read and to pray more. With that, and without these entries, I have felt God work more in me. That shows me that this was yet another thing I was putting before God's calling to draw closer to him. From now on you can anticipate shorter, if any, entries with more focus on what he is teaching me. I just finished studying Genesis 3, which taught me that Satan uses our weakest link to tempt us. Adam was mislead by his wife, which I imagine he loved and had a weak spot for, resulting in The Fall. Just the same, Satan uses our "weak spot" to turn us away form God. I have seen God's mercy in my life and after reading some scripture, where I learned God calls us closer to him through repentance and pursuance, I desire to learn more by reading more scripture. Which I can tell you does bring me closer to him, and further from our own desires to be "like God" as Satan tempts us.

Call and Listen

Here is another entry following a few days since the last. Though, originally, I wished to do this every day, I have been making an effort to keep this from becoming "work" for me, but rather an account of what I think God is doing in my life. Recently, I have realized that I doubt the Lord, and that I need to push onward with my faith. I feel as though prayer is something I need to do more than write about my faith. Though my efforts are not showing leaps, but rather short steps, I realize that God is calling me, not to an immediate position of leadership, but to a life of an example of Christ. I am very selfish in my faith and am beginning to see that this call is not for my benefit alone, but for the benefit of those I interact with. Denying yourself is very difficult, but as a servant of Christ, we are not here to serve everyone else for our glory. We are here to serve God, and to reflect His glory in our lives.


Being a Sunday, I normally do not have the opportunity to go to church because of work. The Lord has allowed me to not have to work today and I did go to church. The sermon was given from 1 Samuel chapter 3 on God calling out to Samuel, who served Eli. Now, Eli was not a perfect man, yet he was the authority that Samuel served. When God calls to Samuel the first three times, Samuel believes that it is Eli who is calling to him. Though the second time, Eli tells Samuel that it is God calling to him and that he must respond to God, and not think it is Eli. This sermon has confirmed for me two things (so far) I am focused on this week. The first is that God is merciful and will continue to call on me even when I do not listen. The second is that I cannot serve two masters effectively. Though God has blessed me with the gift of serving, I now see that I am becoming too focused on my job, that I am missing out on the opportunities that God offers me to serve Him. Though I do not believe that God is calling me to leave my job right now, I know that he is asking me to put him first, to listen to him, before I seek the advice of other people (which I have done so much in the past).

Though God has blessed me with wise people in my life, I have come to understand that when we hear a call from him, we should not look to other people for advice on the Lord's work, but we should simply listen to what he is saying. We should be like Samuel and humble ourselves as His servant, and not our own. We should respond to the call that we hear from God, so that he can approach us without our distractions and without our limitation of serving two masters. God wants us alone (not lonely), so that we can focus on nothing else except him.

[I find that TV is my first distraction that can take away my time from God. I pray that God will give me the strength to fast from watching anything dishonoring to him this week. May the Lord be with you in all that you do, for His glory, Amen.]

Acceptance and Persistence

I have not written anything down, let alone studied the Bible personally, for 5 days. I did my Youth Group lesson, but not whole-heartedly because I was unprepared and did not expect that we were doing a lesson until a few hours before. Which reminds me, I should probably do next week's starting tomorrow. (Quick side note, I have been trying to get more sleep, but this is the time of day, or night because it is after 11pm, where I feel like I can focus the most.) Anyway, back to my faith; this entry ties in with the previous Youth Group lesson, but rather I was the one learning. The lesson was on prayer and the power that God gives us through prayer to overcome the Devil's schemes, or wiles as the sermon I mentioned earlier put it. In understanding my own doubt in God, the most recent lesson has allowed me to accept this doubt. That acceptance has helped me to begin to understand God's love; the understanding that he never leaves us even if we are not following safely close to him, as a bear cub to its mother. God has a way of teaching us more about him with the experiences he allows us to go through. With the acceptance of my doubt came my desire to find the example of someone else feeling this way in the Bible. I then went to the internet to discover the story of Elijah told in 1 Kings, specifically chapter 19, and the doubt that Elijah had experienced after becoming such an advocate for the Lord. After many victories (killing prophets of Baal) in the name of the Lord, Elijah received a death threat from Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, causing him to flee for his life and hide away in the woods. Elijah prayed to God that he would die to avoid the further trial of being on the run. God then asks his persistence in this journey and sends him [on a 40 day and 40 night travel (coincidence?)] to the Horeb, the mountain of God, where Elijah meets God in a way he never expected; a whisper. God showed Elijah he was doubting, and also showed him a way out, a way that he would know God is still with him. As with Elijah, God has made it clear to me that I am doubting.
My faith is not where it should be, though the past few weeks has taught me that I need persistence because I know that God is still there for me. He has not left me, though I feel alone in my faith. I feel like he has other things to tend to before he can work on me; almost as if God wants me to work on myself before he can begin His work in my life. These feelings have caused me to feel unsettled at times and to yell at God, blaming him for my loneliness. I have yet to hear that "whisper" that God so often speaks to us with. I can recall a time that I believe I have heard It before, telling me "be patient" (at least I think that was it), and feeling like that might not help. However, I now realize those thoughts that I need to do this myself before I can approach God, are exactly what he wants. Now, I know God sent Jesus so the we can come to Him as sinners, though I believe God is telling me, "I need your attention on Me" in order for him to begin His work in me. I have been angry with God recently, as a child who feels like their parent is treating them unfairly. With this frustration, the Devil has found a grip on me and has been tempting me to give up, and let go of the Cause, but I have come to understand that God has not left me. A mother bear may let their cubs wander, but if they are at risk, she is always near enough to protect them.

More details on how I came to that understanding of God's love is for another time, however the main reason is that I continue to hear God's words to me in the people around me. My pastor, for example, is the one who spoke the words on doubting and how the Devil can make you feel that God is not with you. With acceptance of my doubt has come my call to persistence in the Faith. God has not become distant from me, I have become distant from Him.

Alternate title: Yell and Whisper

[It's been 15 days. I struggle with understanding what God is doing in this, though I am starting to realize that this situation (I believe it to be of God) is not only about me.]

Distracted and Restless

Well, it has been a few days since my last entry and surprisingly, nothing has changed since my last explanation of my emotions. On the other hand, I have been thinking a little more about my own mental state and the reason I am distressed (or in crisis) in my faith. I do think that I am doubting God, however I am also seeing that perhaps I am holding my doubt up with an idol (this will make sense eventually, just maybe not in this entry). I hate to admit it, though I want to make sense of what I am hearing God tell me before I explain my thoughts on that further. Maybe that's it... maybe I am not trusting God enough to actually hear what he is telling me because I have other intentions with the plan that (I think) he is laying out for me. As my leadership roles slowly unfold, I have realized that though I am feeling called to be a leader, I also have a lot of learning and preparation to do before I can call myself a "leader" in either situation. Perhaps I was wrong in the first sentence, I think I have learned a little more about my role in God's calling these past few days...

* * *

I find myself very distracted, about 90 percent of the time. No, it has not been a day, or even an hour in that page break, merely a different thought process. I find that there are too many different factors limiting me from serving God to my fullest ability. I find Satan to be very crafty at finding distractions to pull me away from reading or prayer (this blog may even be one). Though with all the distractions, I find opportunity to show my faithfulness by avoiding them, or responding to them (I might get to this in another entry). For an example of avoidance, I currently have a group of friends inviting me to spend some time with them at a local bar. If I was not wrestling with the internal conflict of being a "good, Christian example", I would go. Yet the wisdom of God tells me not to put myself in a situation in which I would be tempted to sin. For the sake of my calling to leadership (in whatever that may be), and to the disappointment to my friends, I cannot go and risk failing again at being more Christ-like. Though I fail at constantly seeking that Christ-likeness, those failures help me to see how not doing something can benefit my faith. I'd like to be strong enough to go out with my friends and still avoid sin, though I have put myself in that situation thinking I will be fine, only to end the night with regret. What I have learned is that in order to be a better spiritual leader, I first have to be a better spiritual example. I will say that one thing I cannot do is allow my social circle to influence my faith and persistence after God and Jesus. My easy ability to be distracted is something that limits my devotion to reading scripture, worship, and especially prayer. With all my distractions pulling me in different directions, I find I am easily overwhelmed with doubt, and restless in whether or not I am making the right choices. Now, maybe my distractions and my doubt are not directly correlated, but I do realize that the doubt that I discussed earlier can very often make me restless and irrational in my decision making. Now, I could talk about all the ways I try and cope with and react to being unsettled, but this is where I can see the Devil pulling me toward talking about myself. I need to do better at serving God and being an example (especially here) before I can lead others, though it has been hard to show I am a Christian because of my doubt.

Lastly, a sermon I listened to today (I currently do not go to church because I work most Sundays) discussed the importance of putting on the full armor of God to defend yourself against the wiles of the Devil. In order to protect ourselves from falling into temptation, and away from the example of Christ we are called to follow, we must deny our own strengths and trust in what God has provided to protect us. Though I am doubting and restless in recent weeks, I know that God can help me out of this and will bless me for seeking Him in this situation and not my own, or another person's, wisdom.

Driven and Tossed

Yesterday, following my first entry and study of Genesis 1 (I have begun to study the bible from the beginning starting on the 18th), I was faced with a nagging sadness throughout the majority of the day. I questioned God as to why I could not find joy in reading His word and spending time in what I felt to be, rest. After spending most of the day "constant in prayer" (Romans 12:12), I shifted my mind to the things I needed to do (going to the bank and updating my Pastor on the youth group lesson from Sunday), and I felt my drive of productivity come back.

There are times that I feel as though no one will take initiative with particular tasks, leaving me to be the leader, as I discussed in the previous blog. After discussing the events of Sunday with my Pastor, I made the decision to take over a task we were relying on someone else to complete. Upon realizing that person had failed at communicating and completing his task, I did what I felt needed to be done. I was driven to take over because it seemed as though no one else felt the need to find a solution to the problem we were faced with. At this point, you may be wondering what I am talking about though as I implied before, these posts are more about my faith than about the events that change it. Therefore, I need to take this back to my first point of my sadness in my faith.

After getting out of the house and being "responsible", I was invited to go see a movie in theaters with a few friends. Shortly before and during the movie I felt happy, and content, being with my friends and not worrying about my faith or responsibility. Though when the movie ended and I came back to my house, I knew I needed to spend more time with God before I went to bed. So, once again, I began to pray and ask why I was sad in being faithful. (Now at this point, I don't have a large amount of people supporting my faith in my social circle, so there are also times I feel alone in this journey.) As I was praying, I felt driven to find out more by looking up an article online that might tell me that other people experience this too. After reading through an article, I was called to read James 1, focused on having joy in trials. However, what really spoke to me was verse 6 on doubting. Prior to yesterday, I have been discussing my current faith "situation" with a trusted believer who kept telling me about "a wavering faith" and how it can be dangerous to have. After their advice was given, I thought, I'm not doubting God, I'm just second guessing myself, which proved exactly that, I was doubting. Amidst my frustration, I gave the Devil a foothold on me to question if this is really the path God wants me on. I have come to realize that I am being "tossed by the wind" (James 1:6) and not trusting in God that his plan is progress.